The End. That Would Never End.

Another highly emotional day. Last night was full of late night texts and trading information about the funeral service. Basically, all I had was the funeral home. When I woke up this morning, and still couldn’t find any sort of information regarding the service, or an obit or anything, well I pulled my best Nancy Drew and just called the place.

The family was having a viewing today, and the service will be tomorrow, however it was closed to only family and close friends. The family had requested that people contact them directly. Well. That’s great but I needed a contact number. I gave my name and phone number to the man, all the while picturing Peter Krause or Michael C. Hall (pre Dexter of course) on the other end.

A few minutes later I was on the phone with Boyd. (a.k.a. the man who wore the subway token) We cried. And talked over each other. And cried. And made plans to speak longer tonight, but the gist was, the funeral was merely a service out in the country. Rance will be buried out on his grandmother’s land, with a few people speaking then a pastor closing things up. No big brouhaha. Rance requested something like this about three years ago and his father is honoring his request. Boyd wanted me to be at the graveside, he said Rance would have wanted it too, so I will be going. The time was earlier than I’d anticipated, which meant moving my 9:30 client to Friday. So yeah…today wasn’t really my last day. Neither will tomorrow be. sigh.

I bought a dress for the funeral. My friend Lynn, met me, pulled dresses, put me in a dressing room and a few minutes later we walked out with the perfect dress. for 6.00. She’s a brilliant shopper that one. It’s pressed. My toes are painted. I have finally quit crying for consecutive minutes…

I wish I could describe the connection that I have with this family of men. It was 13 years ago, but it seems like yesterday. There is so much love, and hope and dreams that just didn’t come true tied into all the memories of the magic that did…I weep for those dreams as much as I weep for Rance. I weep for the what if’s and the maybe’s just as I weep for Boyd and the loss of his baby.

Underlying all of this is saying goodbye to the salon. And figuring out what I need to get ready for Tuesday. And my mind is whirling.

And for the first time in a month, tonight, I really really really wanted to smoke. I wanted that comfort and that charge that goes through your body when you light up. But. I just chewed a piece of gum instead.

almost exactly the same.

So here we go. To sleep, to wake to a day that was supposed to be my last. To a day that will be the end of Rance’s journey. But also to a day full of hellos and I love yous and beginnings.

the circle, dontcha know.

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2 Responses to The End. That Would Never End.

  1. Kizz says:

    Oof. But you’re doing it. It’s a good thing in a whole bunch of bad.

  2. Cindy says:

    Be careful. We love you.

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