The Best Words.

Yesterday was another day full of accomplishments combined with passive aggressive acts by others and acts of coddling and cajoling and supporting by me. It was a mostly good day, doing good work to support and cheer on volunteers, that was fueled by an underlying feeling of dark. At the end of the day, I just could not sooth one more special snowflake hurt soul. I wanted to just tell every single person, put on your big boy/girl panties and get over it, shall we? I was short on soothing and long on…bitchy.

It was two years yesterday that we lost Chris.

I remember the text from Cindy, the calls to Talaura and to Amy. The drive to KC. I remember tears.

And then I remember laughter.

And family.

And strength passing from person to person.

Cindy wrote about it yesterday and gave us, via Michael,  the best words I’ve heard in awhile.

Let’s be gentle with each other.

It’s so easy for my trigger to get pulled. I work so hard to make things better for the people I work with and for, every day cleaning up a mess that was made long ago, working to move the program foward and serve the people in a more efficient and trustworthy way. I internalize that stress and it chews it’s way out in the craziest of places. Gnawing from the inside out, it will latch on to whatever passes.

All the while, navigting life and obligations and family and events and duites.

I look back at those days following, and I miss that family that was together.

I look back at those days previous, and I miss that family that gathered for dinner on a weekly basis, gathered in my yard when home from out of state.

I miss it with as much ferver as I loved it when it was happening.

I mourn not only the loss of this man, but this family that we pieced together with memory and hope. In spite of the beautiful good, the fresh moments full of love that have come my way, I miss this so much.

Logic tells me that yes, things change.

Things change.

Things, people, relationships move in different directions.

Knowing that doesn’t make it more of a surprise when it actually happens.

Today I keep these words in the forefront of my mind…because there’s really no way to know what someone else is working on, working through.

Let’s be gentle with each other.

 

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One Response to The Best Words.

  1. suz kelley says:

    I feel this way too Misti.
    Some people are just walking masses of hurt, and it feels like your putting out emotional fires all day long when what you really want to say is “You are not the only person in the world who has a broken place inside.”

    Being gentle WITH YOURSELF and showing yourself grace is part of it too. Bless you and sending you big hugs…

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