Actively Grateful

I know that I’ve always talked about the voices that I have in my head.

When I wake up, whoever is the loudest gets to drive the bus.

That’s just the way it is. It’s what we’ve worked out to be a finely tuned well synced system and that’s just that.

So it kind of throws everybody off when I’m all blissed out. I know that I’m all googlie eyed and silly right now. I’m doodling in notebooks and doing name quizes and counting the minutes until I get to be face to face, all the while I’ve got an entire army of voices in the back of my head that are dealing with some pretty interesting shit. I think they’re wondering what’s going on, when will it be play time again and who the HELL is driving the bus???

I’ve been pretty successful in keeping them quiet these past few weeks. I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire with school, and papers, and the literary conference I’m presenting at on Saturday, and then the Subject GRE the following Saturday. I’m still waiting to find out about being awarded the LTYM Show, which should come soon…and IF that happens what kind of work that will entail. Hurricanes, and biopsy’s and exams all pile on…

all the while we’re navigating a new relationship.

and working out schedules.

and trying to be logical and get some sleep.

and wrapping our heads around how…everything has changed.

I am amazed that there hasn’t been a full blown, blue faced Braveheart revolution happening with the voices. Seriously.

But I think that since I have a space to be, a place to express, and someone who steadfastly supports…that it just might be a time of being settled in my brain.

Maybe.

For that, I am so grateful.

Actively grateful. I don’t want to take any of this for granted, or assume that it’s just going to be here forever or not acknowledge the fact that I GET how really graceful it all is.

So in that spirit I’m going to give you a list. I do love a list.

1) First and foremost, Burl (Bonusdad)’s biopsy results came back. NO CANCER. Did you hear me? NO FUCKING GODDAMNED CANCER!!!!!  I am beyond relieved. Now, both he and my mom get a do-over. Shake the Etch-A-Sketch clean. There is a second chance. I hope that they both get that, really really GET that, and do something about it. Life is really a beautiful gift. I do not take that for granted.

2) You. I’m so grateful for you. For your support of all things Ridiculous. You may not think that I know you’re pulling for me, or that I know you’re sending me love and light and prayer and energy…but oh sweet sweet friend…I do know. I feel it. I know that when I am at my most empty, scraping the bottom and so dry my lips have cracked…that you will re-fill me. Sometimes I fear that I ask that too often, too much, without giving enough back. Yet you’re always here. I do not take that for granted.

3) This <3 thing. It’s been a long time. I was actually, really just done. I was settled in to be the stereotypical collector of higher education degrees and cats. I’ll be the eccentric spinster aunt that lives in the attic. I’d kind of gotten comfortable in that place. I surely wasn’t going to just quit living…and then all of a sudden there comes a day that has equal parts mud and magic, laughter and tears, soul saving pizza and octopus puppets…and everything changes. I am amazed and full of wonder. And really just full of peace. I’m not twisted and crazy. The voices aren’t questioning and jealous and stirring the cauldron. This is. And while it seems fresh…it’s been working it’s way here for a long long time. I do not take that for granted.

4) I enrolled in my FINAL SEMESTER of This Grad School Thing, this week. I’m taking one class, and the rest are thesis hours. Shakespeare’s History Plays. I’m excited actually. This is a prof that I’d wanted to work with before my time was up. I really know nothing about the history plays as I’ve always skewed more to the comedy section of Willie’s stuff. It’ll be good. The whole looming concept of  What’s Next is out there. But once again, I’m completely at peace about it. That peace of mind, in regards to this adventure? I do not take for granted.

5) I have fallen into an entirely new group of friends these past two weeks. Real, genuine, honest, authentic people. Who want to know me as much as I want to know them. It’s daunting being the new girl. That’s a role that I have not played in a hot minute. But this has been just as graceful as it could’ve possibly been. Plus, I’m totally not above buying love or my way into a group with fancy LED lighting up lipgloss. I’m not an idiot. I look forward to getting to know these people, and making memories that are woven with their thread. I am blessed by the addition and I do not take that for granted.

6) MY group of friends, who for the most part of this semester have been sorely and shamefully ignored. I pop up occasionally for a bridal shower, or a porch night, or a dinner, but my routine this semester has been pretty much locked down. SO, for me to beat the drum and call them to order and announce what’s going on over here…the fact that they listen, and they are just as giddy for me as I am, good grief. I could cry. I could. Because I know not everyone has that. I have it in spades. By the bucket full. Entire gobs of good. I do not take that for granted.

So that’s my list for today.

On this last day of October, a month that changed everything…I’m grateful for you.

and for this coffee.

Lord this is good coffee.

and for George Clooney. I’m really grateful for George. Because….I mean….come on.

 

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4 Responses to Actively Grateful

  1. Suzy says:

    Oh my…I LOVE your blog!! I love your writing. I could sit here reading your back posts all day avoiding the siren song of paperwork…Oh, I bet that didn’t come across as a compliment…not at all what I meant…sorry 😛

    And I too relish exploring this new found friendship on the horizons. I always feel like the outsider (even in my own group of friends I usually feel like I’m missing some sort of inside joke…really) So maybe we can skirt that together for a while…

  2. Cindy says:

    Whenever you talk about the voices in your head, that song by ‘Til Tuesday…Voices Carry, gets stuck in my head.

    Yeah to all of this.

  3. Sarah says:

    I am grateful with you. I have thought a lot about the biopsy results that were pending for your family.

    I want to take that class too! I am jaded from teaching Romeo and Juliet for 15 years straight. I want some real Shakespeare!

  4. Kizz says:

    Can we quit being friends just for a minute so you can buy my love with LED lipgloss, please?

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