Last night, I came home from PseudoSis’ and got things settled and took a pill and went to bed. There was a nice breeze, it was fine. About 11:30, with the line of storms blew threw I woke up and had some zombie like anxiety, but went back to sleep. This morning the temps were so cool, the breeze was lovely, I dozed and dreamed with my kitty.

Then woke up to another day without power.

I just kind of wanted to cry.

But I didn’t. I had a long talk with myself, and pulled up my granny panties (because that’s what’s clean, damnit)

It’s not that bad. It’s really not. I went and got ice, packed my dairy products into a cooler, shoved ice bags into both freezers and the fridge and shut the door. Things were still really cool. So that’s money, time and energy saved.

I called the insurance, and an adjuster will be calling to set up a time to come look at the roof. I don’t know if it’s bad. I know my window has to be replaced. I don’t know if it’s worth a deductible and claim. These are things we’ll all find out together.

I packed my research and computer and brought it to work. I’ve got to get that paper started and finished. It means canceling tomorrow night’s plans, but them’s the brakes. When I get off work tonight about 730ish, I’ll drive down my street and see if we have power. If we do not, I’ll head to the bookshop and start working.

The things that are making me nuts are: the leaves in my house. I want to clean. I need to do laundry. I want to clear out all of the glass from my bedroom disaster. I really want to rewatch this weeks Mad Men, because it was JUST THAT GOOD.

I’m thankful for clients today. To be able to make some money.

I’m thankful that I bought a really good rake last year, so that I can start raking leaves when I get time.

I’m thankful that Cindy was with us last weekend to watch…and document.  Go take a look at the photos. The final one is my favorite ever.

Happy Thursday ya’ll

So last night the mother of all hail storms blew threw my neighborhood.

Just like two years ago. Hail the size of softballs…grapefruit even.

I lost my bedroom window.

I lost plants in the garden.

Worse than that…I lost power.

I still don’t have it. 24 hours and counting.

Last night was awful. My candles were all burned down, and because it’s summer I haven’t replaced them. I could only find one lighter. No intertet, or television. No weather. No news. My cell phone was working for texting, but not phone calls…and it was losing battery life. I plugged it into my car which was tucked safely in the garage, but I’d been driving around with the gas light on for…mmmm two days, and that wasn’t working out.

It was just me and the cats.

It was awful.

Being disconnected, in the hot hot house, no way to communicate with my people, fumbling around in the dark…that weather was just scary.

We have all known that I was not built for frontier life.

Last night it became incredibly clear that I’m not built for any kind of apocolyptic world.

Nope.

Not my forte.

I got my window covered today with Lynns help. I got my car released from the garage with Smurfs help. PseudoSis1 and I went to eat and I’m now camped out on her couch with light and a/c and internet while we wait on the second round of storms to blow through. This set won’t be as bad as last night.  We hope.

I have a goddanged paper to write, ya’ll.

I called my insurance company today and they, after transferring me to several different places, asked me to call back this afternoon. “we have no idea who will be handling these claims.”

My roof is only two years old, but things the size of grapefruit are not flung with the force of Satan from the sky and NOT leave some damage to a shingle. We’ll just see.

I’m tired. I finally took a pill and went to sleep in the guest room for a few hours last night. I hope that when this next round blows through I can go home to restored power.

That’s what I’m hoping anyways.

It’s been so quiet here today.

I went to meet M’lynn at the movies and we saw Best Exotic Marigold Hotel…again. We sat around and had some food court lunch and talked.

I came home and cleaned up, finished putting up groceries, napped a little, watched some tv, this weeks’ Mad Men was stupid good.

I have a paper to write and can’t scrounge up the give a shit to crack open a book. I do have some laundry going and have watered the plants and garden…

I’m listless.

Coming off of a big big weekend, and I’m just kind of listless.

I miss Cindy being on the couch, or looking across the table at faces that I love.

Just one of those nights.

Saturday could not have been more perfect.

It started out with, in my opinion, nerves, nerves, nervous nerves and more nervous with just a side of anxiety. We weren’t communicating, my best friend and I, but it worked out beautifully. We banged some hair, we laughed, we ooh’ and aaahhh’d over dresses and shoes and earrings and in the blink of an eye we were in the 9th grade all over again, and then getting ready for high school graduation and running late, and then preparing for my once upon a time wedding, and now, standing in her hallway, banging her hair into a fabulous beehive, I just kept thinking about these moments that we have both been a witness too.

Once I saw her and her groom to be together, and relaxed, and loving each other, being tender with each other, being happy and laughing together, once the getting up in front of a group of people and speaking aloud was over, I had no doubts. This is a couple that is all in. The highs and the lows and the boring stuff in between. They are all in. They compliment each other, secure each other when things get funky, give as good as they get, and really it’s a nice thing to see. My heart felt really good on this day.

There was a lot of emotion. The good kind, the wishful kind, the mourning kind. Cindy and I kind of took turns with the leaking eyes. But there was always always always laughter waiting to follow that up.

Sunday came and we had plans for brunch at 10 am, then plans to walk around Paseo arts fest, toodle around and do stuff, but we threw in the white flag as soon as we finished eating. Home. Couch. A/C. Blankets. Tv.  A whole lot of nothing. We were exhausted. We didn’t stay out terribly late, we just couldn’t really move. Impromptu family dinner happened that also curbed Cindy’s fix for mexican food, hot spicy food, cold mexican beer, SP, Amanda, Joe, Audra, Cindy, myself all around a table, recapping the night, laughing, loving. It was just good.

Cindy and I came back and immediately got back on the couches.

“I’m glad you drove all of this way to be a couch potato all day long. We can get up and go do something if you want”

“Nope. This was perfect.”

It was just what we needed…

I confess I had anxiety about this weekend. I just wanted her to be happy.

Turns out, she is.

I couldn’t be happier.

 

My weekend began on Thursday. A day in Big D-Dallas, shopping for wedding clothes and shoes, finishing the day with great seats at Kristen Chenoweth’s concert and a mad dash back home by 3am.

Tomorrow, my best friend gets married.

I’m emotional and excited and all of those things that come with watching your best friend since the 9th grade, pledge her love and life to another.

Cindy is en route as I type, and will be my house guest all weekend, which couldn’t please me more. Brunch is happening.

I hope to get some pool time in with my Pseudo Sisters on Monday, and refresh my soul enough to write my final paper for class and get it turned in.

I’m ready for a break.

I ran errands like a meth head today. Every single thing on my list got accomplished.

I wore my weight vest and worked on my flower beds and garden for about three hours. I just had not taken the time to buy my ferns, or get the rest of the garden finished out with more veggies and fertilizer and soil. I planted some seeds, four o’clocks, catnip, black eyed susans (which I never can grow, but maybe…fingers crossed)

It feels good to have things spruced up.

It felt damned good to take that weight vest off.

I know that I MUST have burned a billion gojillion calories. And after the two hours of trying on clothes trying to find something to wear to the wedding this weekend…I needed it.

I’m flopping for the rest of the night. I’ve got research and reading to do.

I hope I can move tomorrow.

I slept last night.

REAL SLEEP!!! The whole night long. I woke up clear minded, no aching body parts, my legs and hips aren’t cramped up. The ambien that I got from the doc yesterday was either stronger or fresher than what I’d had from mom. It’s a glorious thing. Nothing scary, no crazy phone ramblings, no night eating/walking/rearranging furniture. I just slept.

I cannot wait to do it again tonight.

Today is full of stuff.

I need to hit the hardware store and get some stuff for my garden. My tomatos are looking peak-ed. They should be really pretty by now. My peppers are the same. I think the cats are getting in there and kicking the dirt away from the plants. I need more dirt/fertalizer.

Must pick up a few groceries. Not much. But we’re coming up on a holiday weekend and I should be stocked up on coffee at least.

I need to shop for a wedding dress. A dress to wear to a wedding. Audra is getting married this weekend! SQUEEE! I’ve also got a wedding at the end of June, two in September, one in October. I don’t plan on wearing the same one to all the parties, but it’s clear that I’m going to have to break down and spend some money and shop. LYNN!!!!!! HELP!!!! You know how I hate to do it. 🙂 Good thing I’ve got a personal shopping genius in my life.

I’m heading up to the library on campus for awhile. I’ve got to get some books and do some research for my paper. It’s due by midnight on June 3, but I want it finished way before that. Still collecting information though.

Better get in gear. Giddyup!

Friday night I drove down to Norman to celebrate the birthday of a friend of mine. I only knew a few people there, so that meant meeting new ones. I do that pretty well. It being a college town, Academics are like a fart in a car. They’re everywhere. No escaping them. That too, is fine. I’m interested and as I am participating in this world, I love asking questions, picking brains, getting opinions.

Well.

I got them.

The most disenchanted of the disenchanted. I should have known when he said he didn’t listen to Mumford & Sons, and just gave a condescending shake of his head, like they’re too cool for him to listen to…I should have known right then to trust my judgement.

Asshattery approaches. Walk away.

I did not, however, walk away. Blame it on the homebrew, but I kept at it. Propelling the conversation, asking questions about the Ph.D experience, all innocently enough. At some point, it turned. Turned into a bitter bitter diatribe on the process, how I’ll never get into any of the programs I’m looking into, (OU, Vanderbilt-or as they called it, Vandy–because apparently only stupid people call it Vanderbilt, or UT Austin. I’ll never get in there. They only take so bla bla bla bla bla” They actually said, you will NEVER get into those programs. And the tone? The TONE…

It was just gross.

And Gross + Tipsy = Gripsy.

I woke up with a case of the grips. Tense. Icky. Unshakeable feelings of what the hell?

I went through my checklist: I know it’s a difficult process. I know that it’s not a golden ticket right into a tenured position at a university. I know that the variables are large and that guarantees are nonexistent. Am I stupid and naive in thinking I can do this? Am I doing it wrong?

When he asked me “why do you want this, what are you going to do with it, what do you want to be” I think I mumbled something about teaching literature, and writing professionally. The roll of his eyes must have sprained them beings as it was the umpteenth time he did it.

What I would have said to him in the light of day, was…”the difference here buddy, is I am me. I live my life differently. I work towards things and things work toward me. If my answer isn’t clear, it’s because that is the only part that has been revealed to me at this point and I’m ok going on like this until the rest IS revealed.  I can do whatever I set out to do. And I choose. I choose to do it. I choose to be open to it and I choose not to be bitter.”

I sent off some emails to my thesis professor and to my other favorite professor. Interestingly enough, we (UCO) have former students in the doctorate programs of Vanderbilt (vandyschmandy) AND UT Austin.

They both gave me insight and advice and Dr Hayes promised to help me this year with presenting at conferences, getting published, and prepping my CV. We’ve emailed about my thesis topic and quite frankly I’m giddy about it.

That guy? I’m sad for him. He’s a thirtysomething All But Dissertation Ph.d, in 18th and 19th Century Literature and he’s just an asshat.  That’s a waste of time.

It won’t be the last time I question myself and this journey, I’m sure. It won’t be the last time I rub elbows with Academic Asshats. Bedridden with the pissoffs.

I’m ok with that. I get it. But what they don’t get…is I’m me.

I’m me.

And that’s so much better than being them.

You simply….ask.

It’s that easy. It really is. You simply ask the question you need to ask, or you ask for help, or for guidenance to find that help.

Ask.

I’ve been worrying about my thesis. I’ve been worrying about a lot of things, paying for school, finishing the reading for intersession, paying for trips, what to do with my house if and when I have to move for my Ph.D program…but more urgently in the time line, I’ve been worrying about my thesis.

After a consult with my go-to sounding board J.C., I sent off some quick emails to the two professors who have impacted and improved my student life this past two semesters. I just laid it all on the table. My questions. My concerns. My feelings of WTF and my needing help to navigate all of that.

Then I went away and celebrated my best good friend, Delbert on her birthday AND her engagement. We had cold beverages and hot mexican food and cakegloriouscake.

All was well in the world.

Fast forward to another night tossing and turning and waking up about 4am, then trying to find more sleep about 6am, bla bla bla uncomfortable bla bla bla yawn, and I have a response!!!

I have not only a response, but an acceptance of my request to work with me on my thesis as well as suggestions for my topic! LORD the relief!

Why is it so difficult to simply ask?

Do we think we’re above it? Or that it makes us weak and stupid looking?

Why do we forget that we are here, on this journey, connected to each other, with the sole purpose of loving and helping?

I am never happier than when I can help someone. It’s one of the reasons I love doing what I do for a living.

I wonder then, why that doesn’t automatically translate to others who are offering to help me?

I don’t know.

I do know that the sense of relief and excitement for the potential work ahead, and the certainty that I have put myself in the hands of someone who is credible and interested and who has MY best interests at heart…well that relief is something I wish I’d had weeks ago.

Simply ask.

go figure.

 

and if it’s not alright

it’s not the end.

Isn’t that just lovely? It’s a line from a movie I got to preview tonight with a free pass scored by my friend Julie.The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It opens soon, and has assembled for it’s cast quite possibly every perfect amazing actor from across the pond.

It’s a bit of a slow burn, and I think demographically it’s really going to speak to anyone past the age of 35, give or take a few exceptional 34 year olds. Themes of renewal and forgiveness and starting over tie in and connect stories that just make you smile. Our audience was particularly vocal and clapped and cheered and I love that. Love it.

I cried. I could have really gotten into it. This is a movie Chris would have loved. He of all people would have grasped onto the idea of no limits on do overs, of embracing the life that is still left. Now I could cry all over again. 

There’s a lot of change happening in the Tribe. Ringo is embarking on something fresh and glorious and scary and new. I’ve got a project in the works with my new friend that is really marinating heavily in my creative brain. Friends are preparing to move away. Lotta change. . . and change can be scary…beyond.

But we must never give up hope that a really fabulous day, with amazing and breathtaking experiences is ahead.