D-Day.
I did not sleep.
Partially because The Voices kept rehearsing my set in my head and partially because I dont know how to turn off notifications on my crackberry so every five minutes or when I’d get an email or facebook, it would tweet. GAH! Joe is going to help fix that for me tonight. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s gonna.

It came a huge storm last night, but is clearing off nicely today…am swigging coffee then heading out to the lake for a walk. Time for myself. Then to the bank, then to home to online pay bills, then to get MGirl, then to the Frontier to get Wonderboy, then to the Mustang pool for three hours max. Then to home for what I’d like to call a nap. Possibly just me in a dark room being quiet. Then MGirl is coming over to help do my hair and make sure I don’t drink too much. Yes. I need a babysitter. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

The last time I felt this kind of fear, fear of the unknown, fear so strongly, was when I left my first ex husband one weekend and moved to Indiana and started tour the next weekend. I vividly remember being in the backyard of the place where I was renting a room. It was the den/office. I slept on a pullout. Walking around the backyard on the cordless phone (pre cell phones) telling Gert, what am I doing? I’m supposed to be ass keep in cupcakes and little league by now! and Gert telling me she was pregnant with Noodle.

That is some pretty strong sense memory.
But with that fear came a second wave of feelings…so strong and convicted of my choice being the right one…so assured that I was within my own personal chaos, doing the right thing and the right time. This road? This road led me to the USPS guy and his pretty pretty wife, led me to Cincy for crazy weekend with Chrome, led me to Saginaw and opened my heart to Clemo, Kizz, Arnie, Dionysas and a year full of karaoke. Led me back to Cincy and to Chrome and to strength and struggles that forged a friendship worth all of it. Led me to puppets and to Harry Potter and to bartending my first job and to Carus my brother in arms. . . that road led me back to here. Back to my family and to Wonderboy and Wonderbaby. Back to Gert and to Joe. To BonusMom and the Frontier. To Elephantsoap and Numskullery and the Redhead and the Vegan in Nyc and Abbylicious and MGirl and Hawk and Ringo and Murph and the 796 guys and to Capital S and to banging hair and all my girls there and to my house and the gazebo and pumpkin carving parties and toasted pumpkin seeds and M’Lynn and Nan and the purple pool…

So with a belly full of fear.
And a heart full of conviction. . .
I jump onto this road. This new path tonight. Taking the first step into the darkness and into the unknown and knowing that someone will either be there to catch me or I’ll be taught how to fly*

two years ago today I left ExHim.
two years ago today I cried and cried and cried and thought I’d never laugh again.
two days from today I will get up on a stage and talk about that…and make people laugh till they cry.
ain’t that some shit?

So I got the crackberry phone yesterday. The tiny little buttons aren’t the problem I figured them to be. I think I like it…haven’t had time to play with it and set the volume and rings, so I miss calls and texts like crazy. Oh well, right? I did figure out how to text and how to facebook…my two major ways of communication. . . and last night through that sweet shiny red toy came the kindest of words…

The Vegan in NYC text last night.

Hey kiddo

(nevermind that I’m a good 9 years older than he. it makes me feel young!)

how are you doing?

He’s a comic (brilliant) and an author (coloring books) and just one of my favorite people in the universe. THEN he gave me Abbylicious. and I loved him all the more because SHE is just about the best thing since spice racks. They both know that the last 6 or so months have been just this side of sticky for me and stand strong in their support. They both have made the pitch for me to get onstage and try this format out. Seperate from each other, prodding me to DO IT!!!
*awwwwww*

Just nice nice nice. Warm and fuzzy nice.

In another Love Note…alltogether different from the previous…I GET TO SEE CLEMO’S FACE AT THE THEATRE REUNION IN THE FALL!!!!

Yes. We are all going to Wisconson in November. Not what anyone would call a typical destination for the years vacation but ya know? There’s not a single one out of this group that anybody would call typical. Nor would any of us strive to BE typical. And we haven’t been together as a group, without missing pieces, in about ten years. AND it’s my birthday weekend. I couldn’t ask for a better gift. And while it took a little practical magic, Clemo has signed on and that just makes me one happy girl.

The weekend is gearing up. I’m gulping coffee. Tick Tock ya don’t stop…

I love you! You and you and you and you and you. and you.
thank you for loving me back.

oh and you. you I most certainly love. . .