I say when…

It was a busy weekend.
Race for the Cure on Saturday. It was awesome! Team WOW was in full effect and we all felt good for joining in. Gert’s kiddo, Noodle, raced her first one. She proclaimed at the beginning that “she was beating all of us” not realizing that there were something over 18,000 participants! A few of us went to brunch after to slop up some delicious and mimosas. Home to nap then I got up and went to a mini-high school reunion at a local watering hole.

We’ve all met up recently on Facebook, and decided to gather for facetime. I was really nervous, those same old feelings of “what will they think of me, do I look ok, what do I have to give to this round table meeting” were there and the minute I got to the table, they flew out the window. It was just fun. Twenty years ago, this group would have never gathered. That was awesome.

Today I got up for a hair class in Norman. It was BORE-ing. with a capital BORE. But whatever. I was busy dealing with the people inside my head…busy figuring out the course of my life and if that course will include someone…

Most of you know I’ve been harboring some feelings for a certain guy and while our friendship has bloomed and blessed abundantly…it’s not going in the direction that I would really really like for it to go. SO…I’m saying when.

No more time in my head. No more reading between the lines. No more. Just no. And that sucks. Mostly because it sends me back to that place where I second guess myself and feel vulnerable and wonky. Where I wonder did I make this all up? Am I able to create something out of nothing? Did I do that??? gah.

And the answer is –quite possibly–but quite possibly not. It doesn’t really matter anymore. It’s not what I want, and that is answer enough. I want more. Better. Greater than anything previous.

So I say when.

I’m glad for this decision. It’s been a year of reckoning and choosing and deciding for me. Big stuff. I’ve delt with the ex-husband. finally. yes. and it is good and it is fine and that’s all I’m saying about that. But I’ve done some metaphysical house cleaning and feel really good about that. I don’t want what is coming to me to be tainted by sins of the past. Fresh start. Clean slate. This thing…that I’m saying when to…I don’t feel as strong about it as I think I should but everyday is more knowledge and more growth. everyday will be easier.

So that’s where I am today.

it’s another busy week for me, including the debate, working, theatre, birthdays, weekends full of visits and meetings and helping get ready for fall fest.

How’s your day?

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One Response to I say when…

  1. Cindy says:

    You will be fine because we love and I say so.

    I cringe at the thought of seeing people I went to HS with. All of their facebook pages say they are conservative and christian. Shudder.

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