Today is the day that I got married.
It would have been my thirteenth anniversary.
On the thirteenth.
I always take note of this day…not to wail, to become maudlin and morose…I just take note. It is what it is.
I will always be sad that I got a divorce. I never ever wanted to be divorced. I wanted to be married. I thought I was doing the right thing, on the right path. On paper he was right on the money. In college, going on to be a college graduate with plans for a future. He was a Christian, and though I was Southern Baptist and he was Assembly of God, we were ok. We went to church, and I liked that. I liked being the wife of the pastor’s son. We wanted children, wanted to make our parents grandparents. On paper…it was shiny and good.
In reality, it was a double life, dark and hidden. He smoked pot. A lot. And went to strip clubs. A lot. And drank beer. more than a lot. We could never just keep beer in the fridge, to have after work, or with dinner. If it was there, he was drinking it.
Three months into the “marriage” he told me that he never meant to propose, that it was just supposed to be a “conversation about getting married” and I pushed the issue to the point that he felt like he had to.
Shortly after that milestone, let’s say four or five months, he quit college. Said we couldn’t afford for us both to go that he would get a job. Well, he didn’t. I was going to school full time, twenty or so hours, working twenty or so hours at whatever shitty job I could find and I had to put us on foodstamps. No Access card, kids. Food. Stamps. The kind that came in a booklet that you had to tear out while everyone behind you in the store is heaving sighs and rolling eyes.
And shortly after that, he moved to the couch. Or wherever he would pass out. There was no sex…apparently I was no longer shiny and new. Or he’d found someone else. Still I stayed, thinking that’s what you do. did. I just ignored everything, we were the couple at church, we were the couple at our friends parties, and at home we were…seperate.
So, hindsight being what it is, I’m thankful for making the decisions that I made. I’m glad we never had children. I’m glad it was a clean break. I am also glad that I met him, that for awhile, he made me laugh,that I fell in love with him, that I followed him onto campus at my college. Thru him, I met some of the most important, precious people in my life today…Roger, Ma, JC and Layne, Carol, Julie… Because of his final ultimatum I followed my dreams and ran off to join the circus. So to speak, and met some of you…Kizz,Dionysas,Clemo,Carus… For that, I will always be grateful.
So on this day, each year, I think about it. I think about how life changes. I think about hope and possibility, both of which I was full of that day. I think about how I really have no regrets as far as he is concerned and though I wish I could say, “No. I’ve never been married”… well I have. And it is what it is. I wish that when I find that man, that witness to my life, that great love that I am destined for, that I could look at him and say it was the first time… I can, however say, that it will be the last time.
Very very nice.