Lucky Thirteen

Today is the day that I got married.
It would have been my thirteenth anniversary.
On the thirteenth.

I always take note of this day…not to wail, to become maudlin and morose…I just take note. It is what it is.

I will always be sad that I got a divorce. I never ever wanted to be divorced. I wanted to be married. I thought I was doing the right thing, on the right path. On paper he was right on the money. In college, going on to be a college graduate with plans for a future. He was a Christian, and though I was Southern Baptist and he was Assembly of God, we were ok. We went to church, and I liked that. I liked being the wife of the pastor’s son. We wanted children, wanted to make our parents grandparents. On paper…it was shiny and good.

In reality, it was a double life, dark and hidden. He smoked pot. A lot. And went to strip clubs. A lot. And drank beer. more than a lot. We could never just keep beer in the fridge, to have after work, or with dinner. If it was there, he was drinking it.

Niiiiiiiiiiice.

Three months into the “marriage” he told me that he never meant to propose, that it was just supposed to be a “conversation about getting married” and I pushed the issue to the point that he felt like he had to.

niiiiiiiiiiice.

Shortly after that milestone, let’s say four or five months, he quit college. Said we couldn’t afford for us both to go that he would get a job. Well, he didn’t. I was going to school full time, twenty or so hours, working twenty or so hours at whatever shitty job I could find and I had to put us on foodstamps. No Access card, kids. Food. Stamps. The kind that came in a booklet that you had to tear out while everyone behind you in the store is heaving sighs and rolling eyes.

niiiiiiiiiiice.

And shortly after that, he moved to the couch. Or wherever he would pass out. There was no sex…apparently I was no longer shiny and new. Or he’d found someone else. Still I stayed, thinking that’s what you do. did. I just ignored everything, we were the couple at church, we were the couple at our friends parties, and at home we were…seperate.

niiiiiiiiiiice.

So, hindsight being what it is, I’m thankful for making the decisions that I made. I’m glad we never had children. I’m glad it was a clean break. I am also glad that I met him, that for awhile, he made me laugh,that I fell in love with him, that I followed him onto campus at my college. Thru him, I met some of the most important, precious people in my life today…Roger, Ma, JC and Layne, Carol, Julie… Because of his final ultimatum I followed my dreams and ran off to join the circus. So to speak, and met some of you…Kizz,Dionysas,Clemo,Carus… For that, I will always be grateful.

So on this day, each year, I think about it. I think about how life changes. I think about hope and possibility, both of which I was full of that day. I think about how I really have no regrets as far as he is concerned and though I wish I could say, “No. I’ve never been married”… well I have. And it is what it is. I wish that when I find that man, that witness to my life, that great love that I am destined for, that I could look at him and say it was the first time… I can, however say, that it will be the last time.

Nice.
Very very nice.

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4 Responses to Lucky Thirteen

  1. Dionysas says:

    YOU ARE THE STRONGEST MOST CONFIDENT BLACK WOMAN I KNOW!!! (I say that because black woman don’t take any shit) I am grateful every day for you in my life. You are a part of my soul, life and I love you more than life!! Did I tell you I am moving to Florida??

  2. Gertrude Jane Kennedy Ewing says:

    Dion in South Beach. I was all set to comment and be sentimental and then I see his comment. I can’t think of a thing better, ever in life than Dion in South Beach running the birdcage theatre.
    I am glad to see you talk about this. On your terms. You say who… You say when…You say who.
    This is just more evidence to support my theory that you have the best heart.
    He is coming. All you have to do now is wait. But he is coming. And now… you now more about what you do want when he gets here.
    Its called experience.
    And wisdom.
    And you have it…
    I love you. I love you.
    Thank God really honey. You are free to meet him and embrace him when he comes with no strings tied to anything or anyone else.

  3. Kizz says:

    I know this won’t sound very good but I also know you’ll know what I mean. I’m glad he was a fucker. I’m glad he was the brokenest dream of all because he made you strong enough to follow that bliss and that bliss (thank Christ) led to me, me ME! (‘Cause it’s all about me, right?)

    Dion, YOU’RE WHAT?!?! TELL ME MORE!!

  4. Zelda says:

    I love you all. Truly madly deeply. I’m glad the road lead me to you, to you, and back to you. It was meant to be. You were meant to be my life. So…how can we hate that path? it lead me here. . . at the ready. Surrounded by bliss…

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