Holiday Thoughts

Christmas is over. Flew by it seems. I like this time of year. I love and have always loved the holidays. I know I had stress during the high school years of a fresh divorce, but thankfully, those have dimmed and the best remain. Until this year. This year has been chock full of crap, and pain and tears, and very little laughter to be certain. . . And I feel cheated that it’s over. Going over it all in my mind, the choice was mine to feel the stress, to let it contain me, to fret and worry and carry all the nasty feelings around about Dad, and having to deal with his shit all over again…And things have been rocky in my own home…And and and and bla bla bla.
It’s over. and I feel like I missed it. My house is still decorated, the lights are still hanging, the tree is still up and I missed it. I feel empty and sad and just generally funky. I have so many thoughts that would be appropriate to jot down here, but it seems stupid, and redundant. Life is different, and while I’m a huge advocate of change….Maybe only the kind I pick out. Get over it, yes? yes.

But time has passed and life is looking ok again. I’m really trying to focus on the future. I feel ugly and fat and gross and generally negative, but I want to change that. The YMCA is calling my name. I am making choices again, and choosing me and not someone else and their stress and funk. I have decided to buy a house this year be it with Phil, or without him. And I gave away a baby kitty the weekend we did Christmas with my Dad, gave the fat grey one to a fantastic mommy, but I cried all the way home and it broke my heart so much that I am not giving anymore away. Two are going to Mary and the other two are staying with me. So I’ll have four cats when I buy said house, but there are so many other things that could be worse, I’m not even worried about it.

I’m excited about being excited again. About Possibilities. About dreaming bigger. . . hell, just dreaming.

I have zero money, absolutely not one inkling about how to buy a house, or to get my financial life in order, or any of that stuff, but what the hell…people do it every day. and while I feel like it most of the time, fact remains that I’m not stupid, so that’s in my corner. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, a Happy New Year to you from me and my kitties. Stormy “the bird” Soprano and KiKiMama(not pictured),Charlie, Scrunch, Charlotte and Sam.

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3 Responses to Holiday Thoughts

  1. Kizz says:

    Oh my god, they’re so big! It’s unthinkable. Still so cute, though.

    I’m sorry you “missed” Christmas but I think that we all need time to grieve and process. While you probably are able to “just get over” stuff you need time and unfortunately the time you needed came during Christmas. Sorry about that.

    Good that you’re going to buy a house? First steps? Maybe a savings account for a down payment? I’d be happy to make a small donation to set you on the path.

    You’re absolutely right to keep the cats. Giving them away outside the family is way too painful.

  2. mkaep says:

    I’m going to order Homebuying for Dummies and Mortgages for Dummies…maybe that’ll help! I know as a first time buyer, I can get 100%financing, which is good because I ain’t got nuthin for a down payment….we’ll see how this unfolds. SO GLAD YOU”RE BACK

  3. Kizz says:

    Keep me posted ’cause, for realz (as the kids once said), I’d like to put a drop in the bucket just to pay it forward. And also because I think this is exactly the right thing for you to do.

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