I think I have insomnia. I haven’t been able to sleep. AT ALL. Maybe the first two hours then flop, wide awake, the voices in my head a roaring chorus of heckle and jeckle. I’m working about 45 hours this week…so am physically exhausted when I get home. I know that’s not it. I’ve been concious of the caffene intake late in the day/evening as the older I get the more that affects me…I hate it. I hate not sleeping. Laying there, watching the clock thinking I should have taken a sleep aid, but I missed the window. Watching the clock. Realizing that I’m closing my eyes so tight that I’m causing wrinkles to form. Tension reigns. Trying the deep breathing, the meditating….nada. zilch. bupkiss. I got NUTHIN.
Christmas this weekend with all the family. Saturday is Mom and bonus Dad and his kids and my sis, et. al. It’ll be ok, I suppose. There will be two children to act as buffers, but I’ll be racing there after a completly full day at work, frantic and exhausted. Sunday is the biggie. Doing the Dad/bonus Mom thing, and while that marriage is dissolving into a puddle of lies and stinky crap, we’ll all gather under the same roof and put on our smiley faces and pretend that the big fucking pink cheating elephant opening presents over there in the corner is really a nice member of the family and absolutly nothing what-so-ever is wrong.
I asked around yesterday if anyone had any valium. I’m on the edge, the voices in my head are loud and rambunctious, tears are available at any given moment…i needs me a nerve pill. I think just a teensey weensey little hit of calm will help. Bonus mom has already gotten permission from her doc to take a double dose of the effexor she’s already on. Maybe we’ll just all sit around with glazed eyes and look very Stepford-ish.
Meanwhile…I have hit my 55% commission on this weeks’ check and I have today’s appointments still to go…there’s a very slight chance I could get 60%. That’d be freakin awesome. So the 40someodd ass hours are/were worth it. mindnumbing, but worth it.